Discovery Day & Ongoing Trauma
For those who have endured betrayal trauma, “Discovery Day” is a date forever etched in memory. It’s the moment when the painful truth of a partner’s deception comes to light, shattering the foundation of trust and love. Whether it’s discovering an emotional betrayal with a close friend or uncovering a pattern of sexually compulsive or addictive behaviors, the impact is devastating. Reality becomes fragmented, and the betrayed partner experiences a psychic death of sorts.
The pain doesn’t end with the initial discovery. Often, the partner who acted out will go to great lengths to conceal the full extent of their actions. This deceitful behavior is encapsulated in the term DARVO, coined by researcher Jennifer Freyd. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The betraying partner might deny their actions, attack (or blame) the betrayed partner, and claim to be the real victim. This manipulative tactic if a form of gaslighting that creates doubt and confusion, leaving the betrayed partner questioning their reality and the severity of the offense.
This ongoing deceit and manipulation create a specific type of trauma, blending symptoms of both Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). The severity of these symptoms often depends on the acting-out partner’s response and any pre-existing trauma histories. Cold, calloused behavior that rationalizes or justifies the abuse may emerge. A painful cycle begins to unfold: the betrayed partner feels a desperate need for attachment, driving them toward the betrayer. However, this proximity triggers a profound sense of danger, creating a push-pull dynamic where safety and connection are sought, only to be swiftly withdrawn in a bid for self-protection.
A full disclosure of the betrayal rarely comes all at once. Instead, bits and pieces of the truth emerge slowly over months or even years in the form of staggered disclosures. Each new revelation is another traumatic event, keeping the betrayed partner in a state of hyper-vigilance. They question everything, constantly on guard, while the betraying partner often feels perpetually on trial. The cumulative impact of the psychological abuse manifests in intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, making it difficult for the betrayed partner to escape the trauma. They go to great lengths to avoid reminders of the betrayal, and their emotional responses—ranging from intense rage and shock to numbness—become primarily driven by survival instincts.
The Path to Healing for Both Partners
Amidst this emotional turmoil, there lies an invitation for the betraying partner to embark on a journey of self-compassion and honesty. Facing the full impact of their actions with self-compassion is the first step toward healing. By embracing the truth and acknowledging the suffering they’ve caused, they can begin to find light in the darkness. Taking responsibility for their choices begins to lift heavy weight of trauma. From the position of self compassion, they are able to empathetically enter into the experience of their partner creating space for the healing to occur. Often, underlying issues contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. These issues can be addressed through compassionate curiosity and courageous ownership. It is a movement
to reconnect with themselves.
For the betrayed partner, healing means reconnecting with themselves as well. Betrayal trauma deeply impacts one’s sense of self, and restoring a cohesive identity is crucial. Betrayal is a profoundly disempowering experience. Healing involves reinstating what was taken. Setting boundaries helps the betrayed partner tend to and care for themselves, fostering selfdiscovery and a sense of agency over their life. Understanding reality in a way that makes sense is key, especially after enduring gaslighting, which erodes trust in oneself. Rebuilding this trust and reconnecting with one’s intuition are vital steps in
the journey toward hope and resiliency.
Trauma fragments and disconnects both partners and their relationship. Healing from this type of trauma and abuse often requires a particular attunement to the needs of the partner who was injured. A formal, therapeutically supported, amends process offers a path to reintegration and reconnection. This five-step process helps both individuals and the couple process the relational trauma, reducing its impact on their future. Whether the couple decides to stay together or not, this process can provide profound healing and a sense of closure.
Embracing Hope and Finding Light
Betrayal trauma feels like an annihilation of the soul, but within this darkness lies an opportunity for profound transformation. The journey is painful and challenging, but it is also a path to self-discovery, healing, and growth. By facing the truth with courage and compassion, both partners can find their way back to themselves and, possibly, to each other. Amidst the suffering, there is hope for a brighter, more authentic future. If you are ready to explore treatment options, please reach out to me today.
